Turning 50...

Well the count down is in full swing... In less than 2 days I will turn 50! Yes, I said it... I am turning 50! While I truly appreciate your very kind attempts at making me feel better by saying I don't look it... the truth is I am turning 50.

I have, for years, dreaded this number. Perhaps the dread comes from the fact that lots of the woman in my life have shared their biological nightmares about how everything starts to "fall apart" at this age, or perhaps it is more because by this age I really thought I would be very well established- my career, my life, my finances. I know there are those that claim 50 is nifty or 50 and foxy... I am not buying any of it! My eyes don't work they way the should, the cracking and creaking I hear when I am climbing out of bed in the morning is NOT coming from the wooden furniture, the battle with the gray is becoming an very expensive ordeal, and nothing in my life is established.

I have spent many of the last few weeks on an emotional roller coaster- going back and forth between dread and depression to confusion to a sense of being overwhelmed to feeling sorry for myself to reflection. I know some of the people I care most about have been watching this ride and have been just shaking their heads, perhaps secretly wanting to shake me right out of this nonsense.

I am not sure if it is this number that has had me in a whirlwind, or if it is the fact that my life really has been crazy lately. Whatever it is, it has brought my loved ones to the point that they are all ready for me to get over myself already! Come on really, it is a number... right?! This number does not define me, it does not limit me- only I can do that and I have been getting in my own way, way too much lately!

So here I am... I am turning 50... and if I stop to think about it, it is really not that bad. In fact, once I stopped feeling sorry for myself long enough to consider what I am doing, it is really pretty crazy. What I thought I would be doing at 50... is NOTHING like what I am doing!

I am back in school... AT 50!
I am on the path towards a new career... AT 50!
I am in love again.... AT 50!
I am making a difference in the lives of others... every day... AT 50!
I am persuing my dreams... AT 50!
I believe in myself... for the first time in my life... AT 50!

This isn't how I thought I would be celebrating my 50th Birthday... but it certainly isn't boring! And while I really hate wearing glasses to read, and feeling those stiff knees in the morning, I think the rest might just make it OK.

 So, I am turning 50... And I am OK with it, now. I am sorry I have been a little out sorts about this number lately, OK CRAZY lately but I am kind of looking forward to the next year... lot's of changes in store, learning, growing (not graying- Im ok with the number not the color!), new adventures, successes, and many happy occasions to celebrate with my family and friends.